


Missed Opportunity (2007)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Community: 30kisses, Denial of Feelings, Gen, Jealousy, Present Tense, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-18
Updated: 2007-10-18
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7082965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When opportunity knocks, you should always answer the door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missed Opportunity (2007)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the LJ community 30kisses, prompt#4 - 'our distance and that person'

_'It's nearly midnight, and he's still out there…'_ For a moment, his night vision is lost to the glow of his cigarette as he takes a drag, but it returns quickly. _'At least it's not raining any more.'_ It hasn't been raining for a couple of hours now. He should know – he's been watching out the window since shortly after the brunet went out.

He crushes out the heater and reaches for a can of beer, knocking several of the empties that already clutter the small end table onto the floor. Violet eyes briefly flick downward, and as he scowls, he lets out a muttered curse and makes a mental note to pick them up himself sometime before morning. He knows that if he doesn't, Hakkai will do it tomorrow, and that thought annoys him. Sanzo's never really given a damn one way or the other about the brunet's housekeeping rituals, but at this moment, he does. He wonders if his sudden change of heart might be due to the fact that he has an idea of what the other is feeling right now. His scowl deepens as he feels a small prickle of guilt wash over him for shamelessly allowing the other to fuss over and pick up after him. Despite the pleasant smile and gentle reassurances, Sanzo knows that the brunet really isn't as ok as he maintains. Hakkai's eyes are surprisingly expressive, and the blond hates how easily (and how often!) he finds himself drawn into that intense green. It makes him feel weak and worthless because he can't soothe the turmoil that exists beneath that thin veneer of tranquility. It frustrates him because he never wanted to have to worry about it in the first place. Sanzo wanted to keep his distance and remain aloof, but the soft-spoken youkai had unknowingly worked his way into the monk's heart. And he'd been powerless to stop it. _'Damn it...'_

For want of something to do, the blond sparks up another cigarette. Despite how much he initially fought against it, he's come to care for Hakkai, but he is stalwart in his refusal to let the other know. As much as it pains him personally, he knows that he has to keep his distance emotionally – at least until they finish their mission. Stronger feelings and romantic notions would only complicate things, maybe even lead to a fatal mistake. Irritably, he exhales. He doesn't want to think about things like that and he tries to convince himself that this is just a passing fancy. A ridiculous schoolboy crush brought on by spending far too much time with the three idiots that accompany him. Deep down though, he knows he's deluding himself. If something happened to Hakkai, he knows he'd feel the loss just as strongly as the others, maybe even more so. But for him, the gilded lie is much more attractive than the naked truth. It means he can continue pretending he doesn't care.

He thinks back to earlier that evening. Hakkai had been restless ever since dinner. The rain had been intense, and after politely excusing himself from the others part way through their tea, the brunet had announced that he needed a walk and took his leave. Goku had wanted to go with him – the healer usually bought him treats in the evening whenever they were in town – but Gojyo had quickly intervened, promising the golden-eyed teen that they'd do something together instead. The monk had just snorted and offered a churlish, "Whatever." The kappa was sometimes far too intuitive when it came to the brunet and his needs, and that just rubbed him the wrong way. Plus, the fact that he was jealous of _anything_ the hanyou did only served to piss him off more. Sullenly, he'd sat at the table as the other two had gone off without so much as a 'Fuck you, see you later'. Once he was alone, Sanzo had sequestered himself in his room, smoking incessantly, drinking steadily, and alternating his thoughts between his own troublesome past and worry for Hakkai.

As the storm had broken, Sanzo's mood had improved slightly, and he'd taken up a vigil by the darkened window, but the smoking and drinking didn't abate. He watches as the moon finally peeks out from behind a cloud, bathing the area in a soft, silvery glow. Silently, he wonders if maybe the rain affects the brunet healer worse than it does him. Sanzo has personally observed the other spiral downwards into depression whenever the weather is particularly nasty. Hakkai usually smiles and dismisses the suggestion, and he's quite good about convincing the others it's true. Sanzo wonders if he feels he doesn't deserve to have anyone worry about him. "Hypocrite," the blond mutters sullenly as he stabs out the remnants of his smoke. He's about to reach for the pack again when a movement in the courtyard catches his attention.

Sanzo recognizes the tall, lithe form, and when the man pulls down the hood of his poncho, the wild, haphazard bangs are a dead giveaway to the person's identity. A small sigh of relief escapes the blond – Hakkai has finally come 'home'. He's a bit surprised when he sees the brunet turn his gaze up to his window and raise a hand in a small wave, and then he remembers that the youkai can see much better in the dark than he can. An amused snort escapes him, and he's about to return the gesture – until he spies a second body striding across the open area. A scowl settles on his face as he identifies the loping gait and the shock of long, crimson hair. _'What the hell is that idiot doing?'_

He watches as Gojyo approaches the brunet, and a wide smile curves across the redhead's face when he stops. The kappa says something to the healer, and Hakkai gives him a smile in return. Sanzo's expression darkens further when the kappa drapes an arm around his friend's shoulders and Hakkai actually leans into him, one elegant hand coming up to briefly rest on the hanyou's chest. The blond swears out loud as he feels his stomach twist, and for a moment more, he watches enviously as the dark-haired youkai embraces the other. He finds himself wishing that it was him standing there in Gojyo's stead, and the irrational burn of jealousy flares even higher when he _thinks_ he hears a soft laugh waft up to him on the night breeze. He finds himself inexplicably angry with the healer for not rejecting the kappa's comfort, and then he berates himself for thinking something so decidedly unfair. It's not Hakkai's fault; it's his own. The brunet has never been closer to him, and yet Sanzo knows he does nothing but push the other farther away.

_'This is asinine,'_ he thinks, and suddenly feeling like some sort of voyeur, he turns from the window, taking his cigarettes and the remnants of his beer with him as he flops down on his bed. As he cracks one open, once again mired in denial, he misses the soft, green eyes that peer hopefully up at his window and the resulting small, dejected sag of shoulders.

Opportunity could be such a callous bitch.


End file.
